Me: Thanks for stopping by, ignore my cats. I hope you’re not allergic. I have some drugs to help if you are.
J A: It’s okay.
Me: Do you have pets? I mean, besides 3 children.
J A: I have dogs.
Me: Can I call you Konnie?
J A: No why would - ?
Me: Because in my second book that’s coming out soon, Disaster Relief Club, I named one of the characters Jules but everyone calls him Julie. I think that’s cool, kinda like how you named your main character Jacqueline but everyone calls her Jack.
J A: Have you read my books?
Me: Yes, I’ve read Whisky Sour and Bloody Mary. Do you have a drinking problem?
J A: It’s not a problem.
Me: That’s what all the drunks say, do you have any confessions you’d like to make?
J A: I’m worried that I might not get out of here alive.
Me: I’m worried too -
J A: Oh -
Me: Words. Like the word you coined, E-stribution, in “Be the Monkey”. I’m afraid it’s like Kountry Cookin’ or Komfort Coach. You see? I just don’t want there to be any avenue to a self-publishing ghetto.
J A: Please be careful with that word.
Me: What, ghetto? I will not. The word itself is not the province of any group there have been Pink-collar, Jewish, African-American, Spanish, Gypsy, all that.
J A: On your head be it then.
Me: Oh Konnie, what am I going to do with you. We’re just two self-publishing geniuses sittin’ around bullshittin’ about the biz. Ya’ know, I have a confession to make. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to keep up with my reading so I multi-task.
J A: What do you mean?
Me: Well, I can’t always do it, but when I can, I download the audio book and listen to it while I cook, or workout, or drive. I know, it’s crazy but what do you do otherwise?
J A: You work out?
Me: Well sure, I find the routine and discipline is important.
J A: The word Rubenesque does come to mind.
Me: Hey, writers are like cooks, don’t trust the skinny ones.
J A: I’ve never heard that.
Me: I just made it up. I’ve put on some weight since I started writing full time and it’s hard to keep up ya’ know? I mean unless my ass is glued to my chair nothing gets done. And I need those lemon wafers Konnie. They’re my writing power jewels. For every scene I write I get three power jewels, it’s like a video game. Will you be my wizard?
J A: No. I can’t do that. You see, I belong to the people. They need me to lead the revolution. All I can do is what I do so I need to keep doing and putting it out there and hope that it helps others on the same path.
Me: I get that. I’ll try to do that too.
J A: No. No, Fledgling, you just take care of yourself.
Me: But I want to help.
J A: You will be. Just. Um, keep a lid on the crazy. I have to go I have another imaginary meeting to get to.
Me: Bon chance, Wizard.